Wallowing

This round of chemo has definitely been my most difficult. I was basically a zombie for the last three days, very tired and feeling pretty useless. I haven't had the ability to concentrate on anything much. Eating has been really difficult because everything tastes wrong/bad to a greater extent than it has before. The act of taking bites and chewing is a big chore when tastes and textures are 'off.' My mom recommended a milkshake yesterday, which still didn't taste quite right but was far and away the best thing I had tasted in three days.


Today I went to have my chemo port incision assessed. It's healing VERY SLOWLY. The nurse and doctor advised that the best thing to do right now to help it heal is to leave it open. I am still processing this information.

(skip the next bit, queasy friends)

Being told to walk around the world with an open wound is a new thing for me. I have a sizeable, juicy hole in the skin on my chest. It looks like I've been very recently stabbed or shot. Whatever horror show you are picturing, it's probably not far from the truth. Unless maybe you've had major surgery or been in a war zone. I'm sure there are lots of worse examples of wounds out there in the world, but this is my wound and it is NOT pretty. 

(welcome back, queasy friends)

I'm really not impressed with this turn of events. For about a month now my poorly-healing port has been getting in the way of things I want to do and I have done my very best to be patient. I incorrectly assumed that having the port taken out would bring a quick end to these troubles, and now I have been condemned to more watching and waiting to see if my skin will heal. And my family gets to look at my gaping wound - lucky them.

I know I will find some peace in the next few quiet days as my brain fog lifts. I will knit and read and weave and lots of other quiet things as I wait for my body to heal, but right now I am annoyed and angry and disappointed. I can't shake the feeling that someone should be able to 'fix' this problem for me. I resent that I won't be able move about the world normally on upcoming days that I'm feeling better. I deserve the simple pleasure of NOT having an open wound, don't I? Aren't I dealing with enough?

Even though I know things will get better, today I am going to wallow in the negative feelings. Wish me luck with my wallowing.

Comments

  1. DifluoroacetyleneJuly 20, 2022 at 12:19 PM

    That’s shitty, Amy. Best wishes with your wallowing! Thinking of you, always!

    ReplyDelete
  2. EmilyJuly 20, 2022 at 5:36 PM

    Sometimes a good wallow is necessary. I hope there is brightness at the end of your wallowing. Wish I was there so I could quietly give you a big hug, gaping chest wound and all...

    ReplyDelete

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