**UPDATE** MORE Surgery

***UPDATE***

Original post below. Due to a covid cancelation my surgery will be tomorrow (Sept 30).

***

Yesterday I met with radiation oncologist and had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon. Rick and I had both been feeling nervous about the pathology results. Unfortunately the results were not what we had hoped. 

In the tissue removed from my original tumour site there was a small tumour remaining, which was expected. There were also some cancer cells in the surrounding tissue they removed, and in one spot those cells extended all the way to the edge of the tissue. (Imagine a scoop of vanilla ice cream with a tiny bit of chocolate ripple peeking out in one spot. We were hoping to NOT see anything peeking!) Since the cancer cells were present right up to the edge we can't be sure that there isn't still some cancer remaining, so I will have a 'revision' surgery to remove more tissue. Even though I knew this was a possibility, it SUCKS to be told this news. On the brighter side, the results do not indicate the need for a mastectomy though there is still always the chance that will happen if the next round of pathology results show something concerning. I have received mostly good news up until now - good for a cancer patient, anyway - and I'm bummed about having to have more surgery before I've even finished healing from the first one.

As part of the surgery I will also be having more lymph nodes removed from my axilla (armpit area). Initially five small clumps of tissue were removed which contained ten lymph nodes total. Of these ten nodes, five showed some signs of cancer. This isn't a very bad result, because those 10 nodes were the ones that were mostly likely to contain cancer. That said, the result wasn't as good as my care team would like based on all of the information they have. So, my freshly-healed armpit is also in for more trauma. That incision had healed so nicely; it seems such a shame to open it up again. :(

My surgery is scheduled for next Friday, just in time to derail Thanksgiving plans the same way my first chemo treatment derailed our Easter plans last spring. I'm grateful it will be so soon. I'm grateful that I now know what to expect on surgery day and as I recover. I'm grateful for my amazing care team. I'm grateful that we have the technology to detect these little bits of cancer. I continue to be grateful that the hospital is close to home and that we have lots of loving support.

AND...I'm angry that the cancer isn't gone yet. I'm nervous about subjecting this body to more trauma. I'm frustrated that this will delay my radiation treatments by three more weeks. I'm sad that this news is causing my loved ones to worry. I'm worried about long-term side effects of lymph node removal. 

So, in addition to my standard wallowing behaviours (comfort food, binge watching, knitting, and being a hermit) I am doing my best to keep moving forward. Martha and I had a long quiet walk this morning under a grey sky. I shared a lovely afternoon cup of tea with my good friend Carey; she makes me smile and her presence is truly comforting AND she is always ready to hear gory medical details. I have made an important appointment tomorrow to hike (and perhaps scream) in the woods with Fiona, who knows something about dealing with unexpected bad news. 

Thanks for the love and support. Even though I am disappointed and angry I can still see an end in sight and I'm proud of how far I've come. 

Pics are from this morning's walk. :)

The Sea Serpent (downtown Barrie)

Sky reflecting my mood