My Strong Body

The year I turned 40 my friend (and fellow '77 baby) Lisa invited me to start running with her. That winter we crushed a 10k running clinic held on several of the coldest, darkest nights of the year. Having never run more than 5k before, this was a big challenge for me but I loved it. I loved running in the cold. I loved seeing the improvement over time. It was amazing! The following October Rick and I ran a half marathon, something I had never imagined doing. I have continued running on and off in the years since then, loving the feeling of being able to get out and run 5k without much training when the Santa Shuffle came around.

The next year Lisa started an online community that was part fitness accountability, part sisterhood, part support group, and exactly what I needed. For the first time in a long time I started making time for myself to move my body every day. I got stronger and healthier. Being part of the community helped me stay connected in a way that made it easy to get back to workouts if I missed a few days. We were cheerleaders for each other in a way that wasn't cheesy. There was laughter and tears, acceptance without expectation, and shared experiences of doing some really hard things and pushing our physical limits.

I use past tense when talking about this community because I've been absent from it for some time. I had always been less present in the summer months (when my fitness routine is less of a routine and mostly consists of swimming and walking). When I started working at the new high school last September I never found my way back to my regular morning workout routine. I lurked a bit in the community and liked some posts but in the busyness of my new job and the distractions of life lost my connection to my routine and found myself drifting away from these women. I want to make it clear that I know I could have popped in any morning and said 'I'm back!' and all would have been well; my continued absence was my choosing and not due to any fear of being judged. I continue to see the other members' posts to this day and have cheered them on silently. 

I will write more about this in another post, but throughout my treatment I lived in a cocoon of my own making. I have been writing and sharing everything here in this blog, but haven't felt able to show up the same way I used to in spaces like the online community Lisa built for us. Part of it is not having energy to give to others. Part of it is knowing myself and that I would tend to over-share about my cancer experience in a space that wasn't designed for such things. Some online cancer advocates speak of humans without cancer as 'muggles,' referring to the inability of even the most wonderful human without cancer to truly understand what the experience is like. My ability to be authentic and share how I was doing with MORE humans took energy that I absolutely didn't have. (This goes for you too, knitters!)

I cannot tell you how many times over the last year I have said a big 'thank you' to the universe for the time I invested in my fitness in the last few years. I am so grateful for Lisa's encouragement to start running. I owe much to the sweaty pictures, achy muscles, loving encouragement and general badassery of the women in our online community. At the time of my cancer diagnosis I hadn't been working out (other than dog walking and some yoga on and off) for some time, BUT my body was so much stronger than it might have been. My 45 year old body was in way better shape than my 40 year old body. I am certain that my ability to tolerate my treatment as well as I did was thanks to the investments made in the last few years.

Through my cancer treatment I knew I had to make sure I kept moving. There were perhaps 5 days I didn't get out for a walk this entire year. Most days I get out for two walks and I average 1-2 hours walking each day. Walking was (and continues to be) great medicine for my body and brain as I heal. I have Martha to thank for that most days; she gets me outside and the beautiful views and fresh air keep me out longer than she would demand.

During the summer I was extremely frustrated by my inability to swim due to my chemo port wound. The previous summer at the cottage I was swimming about a mile each morning and it was one of my favourite parts of the day. I still hold lots of resentment for that stupid wound; throughout the summer it prevented me from doing much of anything at all. *GROSS WOUND WARNING - SKIP IF YOU DON'T LIKE GORY DETAILS* If you didn't have the pleasure of reading about my adventures with the wound, it was a quarter-sized hole in my chest that I was told to leave open while it healed. It was deep enough you could see muscle. It oozed fluid with any unusual movement, I had to flush it out a couple of times a day and cover it up to take walks, and it made even simple things like stretching seem impossible because I was so fearful of disturbing it and interrupting the healing process.

My wound finally closed up early this fall around the time of my surgeries, so I traded one annoying physical problem for a few others. I healed well from surgery, but it has left me with several side effects that make my body feel alien to me at times. My armpit is misshapen and a bit lumpy. I get sharp, shooting pain in my side and my breast from time to time without warning. I can go days without pain and then have a very painful hour or two out of nowhere. Parts of my arm, side, back, and shoulder have only partial feeling, such that if I brush up against something gently I either can't tell it's there or it feels wrong and creepy. If I don't do my daily lymphatic massage I start to get a heavy, swollen feeling in my arm and side even though there is no visible swelling. And, of course, I have two very differently sized breasts. More recently, radiation has left me with some pain and muscle soreness that I hope will improve with time.

As I started to overcome the fatigue and skin effects of radiation treatment I have felt the desire to get moving again. I have the urge to go for a run (though I haven't done it yet) and I have been craving a good workout. I finally got back on my mat this week. I have new motivation to get moving. Weight-bearing exercise will help keep my bones healthy in my new clinically-induced menopausal state. Movement will help my body continue to heal from surgery. Movement will help stave off the possibility of anxiety and depression as I adjust to my new medications. My 'why' list is much longer than ever before.

So, from my mat, I can tell you that I'm feeling strong. My tingly hands and feet don't get in my way too much. I'm stretching my scarred body, using my x-ray damaged muscles, and testing my limits slowly. I can also tell you that I don't feel like I'm starting from scratch. I have strength, balance, and body awareness that I didn't have 5 years ago. So, thank you Lisa and thank you to my workout sisters. You helped make me strong for the biggest challenge of my life so far. I'm so happy to be making my way back. :)